


A Pretty Ordinary Guy

by fools_seldom_write



Category: Original Work
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-03
Updated: 2018-05-03
Packaged: 2019-05-01 18:13:21
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 910
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14526318
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fools_seldom_write/pseuds/fools_seldom_write
Summary: Lucas is a 16-year-old from the UK, and he seems like a pretty ordinary guy. But here's the thing: He has a secret. A dangerous secret. A secret that, if others would find out, could destroy his life. Here he tells his story.





	A Pretty Ordinary Guy

Hello, my name is Lucas. I'm a 16-year-old boy from the UK. I'm a pretty ordinary guy. I hate school, like video games and secretly smoke weed. But here's the thing: I have a secret. A sectret I have kept for years and that could ruin my life if anyone ever found out. But I can't keep it anymore. I need to tell someone.

Okay. Let's start where it all began. In sevenths grade, my friends started talking about girls. A lot. Well, yeah, some of them were pretty and nice, but I wasn't interested in them any more than before. My mum said I was a late bloomer, and I reckoned it was a good enough explaination.

At the time, I gave a younger student private lessons in math. She was cute and funny and honest and I soon grew to like her. I started looking forward to our private lessons and when I was with her, I felt exited and nervous. It wasn't long until I realized I had a crush on her. It wasn't too weird, I thought. She was 10 and I was 13. That was a three year gap; my parents had five. Who would judge? But I was still worried because my friends never talked about younger girls. Even more so, they seemed to prefer older ones. They talked about teachers and celebreties in ways that made me feel ashamed and disgusting.

Around that time, I also started noticing the kindergarden which I passed every day on my way to school and back. Of course I always knew it was there, but I never really felt the need to pay attention to it. Except now I did. On sunny days, the kids were playing outside, running around and climbing trees and fighting with sticks. I liked to watch them. Looking back, that was creepy as hell. I'm still ashamed and hate myself when I think about that. It's a miracle no one noticed me. But let's continue with the story.

Around my 14th birthday, I started feeling more and more left out. I still bonded with my friends over video games and our hate for school, but I knew I was different then them and there was no way of denying it. One of my friends got a girlfriend, meanwhile I continued to not have any interest in girls my age. But watching the kindergardeners play in the mud filled my stomach with butterflies.

I knew something was wrong with me and I knew exactly what, but I couldn't bring myself to admit it. I tried to surpress all feelings I had for little girls and started hating myself. I was scared of my own thoughts and of what I might do. I quit private lessons and changed my way to school so that I didn't have to pass the kindergarden anymore. Not to glorify drug use, but weed helped me a lot back then. It made me calm down and worry less. Video games were for escaping reality, and the main reason I hated school was because of the younger students. My fear of harming children became like an obsession, because that's what people like me did, right? Every time I only did so much as look as a child I hated myself, even with boys, whom I never felt any attraction towards. I didn't want to harm anyone. In fact, I would kill myself before harming anyone, and I did think about killing myself a lot during these times. When I was dead, I couldn't harm anyone ever. In the end, I wasn't brave enough to go through with it.

The first time I dared to google about pedophilia was around my 15th birthday. I used Tor Browser and a Virtual Private Network, hands shaking while typing, expecting the police to bang on my door every second. That didn't happen. Instead, as usual with google, the first thing showing up was wikipedia, and I figured it was worth a try. The beginning of the article was pretty normal, but then I stopped at a sentence. "Some pedophiles do not molest children".

I read the sentence again, and again, both hope and disbelief growing inside of me. Still shaking, I opened another tab and typed in "pedophiles who do not molest children". My cursor hesitated over the search button, afraid to dig deeper into the topic, but I just needed to know, needed to know if I maybe wasn't an absolute monster. So I clicked. And I found out wikipedia told me the truth. There were other pedophiles out there who didn't want to abuse children. Who valued children's safety and who would never harm them. I turned off the computer, went outside and smoked a joint. And for the first time I dared to think what I knew for almost a year now.

I am a pedophile.

I feel about children the way I am supposed to feel about children and adults. But I don't ever want to act on these feelings, because I know it would do a lot of harm. I didn't choose to be attracted to children and I can't change it. I'm still scared and hate myself. I still don't do private lessons and still walk the other way to school. I don't know if I will ever be able to accept that part of myself. What I do know is that I will never abuse a child.

**Author's Note:**

> If you are like Lucas, don't give in to self hate. Here are some resources for you. Stay strong!
> 
> https://www.dont-offend.org/
> 
> https://www.virped.org/
> 
> http://www.b4uact.org/


End file.
